Oh my god – I’m engaged!

The man I love so much proposed on our dream holiday to Malta with the most perfect yellow diamond ring. I didn’t stop smiling the entire day, or the day after. A few days later, it was time to head home – and that’s where the problems started.

Let’s be honest, it’s no secret that I work hard to keep my anxiety at bay, but I thought it might give me a break for the time being (how wrong I was).

Pre-proposal, I wrote a blog post for Scottish Wedding Directory on how important it is to look after your mental health when planning a wedding. I actually wrote the words, ‘if you had a broken leg and got engaged, you wouldn’t wake up the next morning with your leg miraculously fixed’, yet I totally didn’t expect my anxiety to hit full-force just a matter of days after the happiest day of my life. As if getting engaged was going to just magic all negative thoughts away forever.

I write about weddings every day (for work, not just like some sort of wedding-loving lunatic), I excitedly chip in with advice to my friends on their wedding planning and I’ve always dreamed of getting engaged one day, so what the hell is wrong with me?

The day after we got back from Malta, I couldn’t shake the feeling of unease. Of frustration, anger and sadness. Not at being engaged, but at my anxiety for not understanding that this is meant to be a time of happiness, celebration and all things joyful – not doubting everything in my life.

By Friday evening, I got a migraine whilst I was out for a celebratory dinner. Heading to my bed, I couldn’t help but cry. And then I cried a bit more. Then I woke up on Saturday and it was as if I wasn’t ever going to stop crying. Sobbing on FaceTime to my new fiancé, then came the guilt. I don’t deserve him. I’m ungrateful. We can’t get married. If I can’t be happy during this happy time, I’m never going to be happy. The more negative thoughts that popped in my head, the more the tears came.

I did what anyone does when they’re in the middle of a crisis: I Googled. And I found so many other people who were the exact same as me. I felt relieved. So me and Brian don’t need to split up and call off the engagement. It’s actually just a really emotional time. But why does no one ever speak about this? I thought – and still think to a certain extent – that I’m a horrible person for not skipping around in some sort of fairytale, but is this just something everyone gets and keeps quiet about?

I had never really thought before how hard it can be to accept a life change for the better. I’m a daughter, sister, friend, writer, blogger, girlfriend – I’ve never been a bride-to-be before. Suddenly, everything feels so real. So grown up. Like everything has changed and, even though I wanted this, it’s surprised me how utterly overwhelmed I feel.

The last time something this life-changing happened was that fateful day, just over three and a half years ago, when I found out my amazing dad had died. When Brian asked me to marry him, I felt the shock hit me like it did that day in January 2015. Isn’t it weird, how your brain reacts to the happiest and the worst news in a similar way? I guess I didn’t realise it at the time, but it was that feeling once again of ‘things are never going to be the same’. Of course, getting engaged is a pretty great thing, but my anxious nature has led to a horrible confusion. Fear is what fuels the anxiety and, unfortunately, my poor brain has experienced so much fear that I don’t think it knows what to do with so much happiness so it reacted in the only way it knows how and that is to try and run and distance myself from what’s causing me the intense fear. Not really ideal when you’re meant to be a smiling bride-to-be whose dreams have all just come true.

I should probably also mention, the day before we got engaged, we also finally got the news that we were waiting on: a move in date for our house. Again, something I’m so excited for, but also a massive change and all in the space of two weeks. Without my dad, everything is bittersweet. It’s time for Brian and I to have our own home, but leaving my mum is one of the hardest parts. Leaving my childhood home for the first time hasn’t really sunk in yet. Not having my dad to help with all the dad things hurts more than I can say. He’d have been there, winding me up about the amount of clothes I was having to pack up and telling me DIY tricks that I would never, ever remember. I know how proud he would be of Brian and I. I know how happy he would be, but that doesn’t take away from that heart-wrenching pain that he’s missing this. Two of the biggest life milestones I’ll ever experience and he’s not there. Some days I can handle that, but others it just feels as raw as when we first found out he was gone.

Today is the first day since we got back that I’ve been able to start looking at the positive future. There’s so much pressure on us to be ‘happy’, but what exactly is happy? How can you truly measure it? I was really honest about how crap I felt on Instagram stories over the weekend and the response was so surprising to me. So many people feeling the same and it made me realise how much emphasis is put on everyone to be happy, be positive and have the best. time. ever.

I wanted to write this for any person, especially any fellow bride-to-be, who is freaking out that you aren’t happy enough following something amazing happening in your life. A few days after I got engaged, a major blogger also posted that she too had said ‘yes’ to the ring and it looked like she was legit the happiest person there ever was. It made me feel even more of a fianceé failure. It was weird to then look back on my own social posts from just after Brian proposed to see that, to the Instagram world, I too was the happiest I’ve ever been, with not a hint of the panic or anxiety I came to face. It really shows that, no matter what is posted on social media, you never really know the full story – you just see the good bits.

I’ve spoken a lot to those closest to me about how I’ve felt this week and it’s made me realise that, actually, this is all incredibly normal. It’s taken me a few days to digest, but I’m starting to rise to the surface again and see that my happiness doesn’t need to be all-singing, all-dancing to be happy. The day I got engaged was an incredibly high, high, but that’s not going to be real life every single day, but it wouldn’t be ‘normal’ if that was life every single day.

One thing I’ve taken away from all my highs and lows is the constant that is always there – the support. Along with my friends and family, it’s Brian who pulls me through the hardest days. It’s him who, no matter how hard everything seems, manages to get a laugh out of me. I showed him this post, which I had originally wrote just for myself to get my thoughts in order, and he told me to post it, in case it could help anyone else. It’s a new chapter for us after some really tough years and, although it is overwhelming, I couldn’t have a more supportive person by my side.

I had no idea how to start this post. After my last blog posts talking about summer outfits and beauty events, I felt like a fraud for taking the topic of conversation to something so serious.

But, after a lot of thinking, I realised that actually, it’s important to bring this conversation to my every day chat – because that’s where it should be. An open conversation of support, power and awareness.

I can’t quite believe that, in the Glasgow area that the Glasgow and Clyde Rape Crisis Centre covers with a population of approximately 1.2 million, 52% of whom are women, even the most conservative figures estimate that one in five of those women will experience sexual violence at some time in their lives.

One in five. That could be your sister, your mum, your best friend, your aunt, your niece.

Although I’ve been very open and honest about my struggles with grief and anxiety, I cannot imagine the pain of dealing with rape and sexual assault and, before Marks and Spencer got in touch about the work of the Glasgow and Clyde Rape Crisis Centre, I would never have known such a support existed here in Glasgow. And it really made me think of how many other women won’t know abut this support service, because we all hope it’s something we never have to deal with.

The crisis centre is the busiest in Scotland and helps nearly 2,000 rape and sexual assault survivors, holding around 20,000 counselling calls in addition to face-to-face counselling sessions every year.

Before now, women with disabilities faced issues in receiving face-to-face counselling due to limited access to the centre, despite being three times more likely to have been abused as a child.

This was where M&S came in. Glasgow is one of 10 locations selected for M&S’s community transformation programme, as part of Plan A 2025. The retailer is currently trialling a range of actions in Glasgow to help tackle the issues that matter most to communities – such as unemployment, skill shortages, loneliness, poverty, mental health and wellbeing.

The M&S team got to work

Earlier this month, the M&S Argyle St store colleagues kick-started a week-long volunteering drive, helping to transform the facilities at the Glasgow and Clyde Rape Crisis Centre and improve access for disabled rape and sexual assault survivors.

The store raised more than £6,000 over the last year for the charity and helped renovate a space at its base on Bell Street to enable women with disabilities benefit from its face-to-face counselling service.

Following advice from the Glasgow Access Panel, they required much needed funding and man power to install appropriate flooring, a hearing loop system and sensory lighting as well as an evacuation chair.

To gain a better understanding of the centre and its work, I speak to Isabelle from Glasgow and Clyde Rape Crisis Centre, who answers all of my questions.

WHAT WORK DOES THE CENTRE DO?

Glasgow and Clyde Rape Crisis provides support and advocacy services to any self identified woman who is a survivor of rape, sexual assault, childhood sexual abuse or any other form of sexual violence and harassment (including sharing of online images etc).

We offer a range of services that include our telephone helpline which is open every day of the week, face to face support by appointment, drop in facilities, email support, live online support, group support and outreach services across our service area. We provide support to women aged 13 years and over.

HOW CAN WE SUPPORT?

Anyone who wants to support our cause can do so in many different ways. Financial support is always very welcomed as the demand on our service increases every year. This can be done through a one-off donation or by contributing a small amount each month.

Our website www.glasgowclyderapecrisis.org.uk has information on all the ways we can be supported. All our staff and volunteers are women, so if any woman wants to volunteer with us she can get in touch with us at info@rapecrisiscentre-glasgow.co.uk.

There are many volunteering opportunities open, from helpline support worker, to fundraiser, to events staff and general cover for office and reception.

THE RENOVATION PROJECT

We have been really keen to improve access to our centre for disabled survivors. We know that a disabled child is 3 times more likely to be abused and we see many disabled women who have experienced childhood sexual abuse, particularly where there has been very close personal care involved in their childhood.

The renovation has created a room that is barrier free for women who need space for a wheelchair, who worry about walking on potentially dangerous floors, women who need a hearing loop system or special lighting for their sight impairment. This can help women feel more comfortable, safer and more valued while seeking support for their experiences.

HOW TO GET IN TOUCH

We have a telephone helpline that is open every day from 11am until 2pm and on Monday to Thursday evening between 5.30pm and 7.30pm.

Women can call themselves or a friend or family member can make appointments on their behalf. We also offer support to family members and this can be discussed with our helpline support workers. All our services are shown on our website at www.glasgowclyderapecrisis.org.uk.

THE NEXT STEPS

The renovation has been an amazing achievement, but we do want to maintain the momentum with an additional piece of work. We are seeking resources to allow us to train a number of our staff to level one British Sign Language so that deaf women can use our drop in service, which they cannot do at the moment as we don’t have a signer on staff.

That facility will continue to bread down the barriers that inhibit disabled survivors from seeking support for the trauma that they have experienced in their lives.

As well as the work with Glasgow and Clyde Rape Crisis Centre, M&S colleagues across the nation continued the week long activity by committing over 40,000 hours to volunteering at 685 local projects that make a difference to the communities they serve.

Several initiatives are already taking place across the city and surrounding area as part of the community transformation programme. This includes fortnightly meet-ups for new mums in the M&S Café to enjoy a coffee and a chat, working in collaboration with the leading social network MUSH, which connects mums locally based on their children’s ages and interests.

Stores across Glasgow will also host a monthly ‘Tea and Company’ get together in the M&S Café in partnership with the Royal Voluntary Service (RVS). The ‘friendship’ tables, hosted by RVS volunteers, are set up to encourage anyone sitting alone to come and join a conversation, with the retailer offering £1 off hot drinks for both meet-ups.

GET INVOLVED

M&S stores across the UK are connected to local initiatives by Neighbourly, the social network for social good. To get involved in the online conversation, follow @MarksandSpencer and #MarksinAction.

For more information on Glasgow and Clyde Rape Crisis Centre and to support their services, visit their website.

This post was sponsored by Marks and Spencer. 25% of the fee was donated to Glasgow and Clyde Rape Crisis Centre.