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I feel crap. But it’s okay.

It’s not my most inspiring blog post or admittedly my favourite thing to have to say, but oh my god I feel absolutely crap.

I’ve been practising self-care, I’ve been looking after myself, I’ve been eating well, I’ve been reading more, I’ve been drawing, I’ve been getting back to work, I’ve been to events, I’ve been shopping, I’ve been out for drinks, I’ve been listening to motivational podcasts, I’ve been trying to see the positive in everything, but low and behold – I’m feeling rubbish.

I had a horrible up and down summer, but really truly felt more myself in the past month or two. I finally started a phased return back to work, I finished with my talking therapy because I felt I’d got to the end of that particular type of help and I started to focus on my blog again – and it made me really, really happy. But something shifted again last week, out of nowhere. I had that horrible feeling in my chest – the one where you can’t really breathe fully because you just feel panicked and suffocated and scared you’ll never get there.

It’s so odd, I feel like I’m living a double life. I can still be fun/work/style obsessed Rachel, I can still have a great time at events, take outfit pictures, be super motivated and not feel like I’m putting it on, but then in the same 24 hours’ I can feel so low that it makes me wonder ‘why bother?’. It is absolutely exhausting having these two sides pull me back and forward. You know in old cartoons, like Tom and Jerry, where Tom has the angel on one shoulder telling him, y’know, ‘don’t be mean to Jerry’, but then the devil is on the other side, like ‘go for it!’? That’s my constant argument with my head; trying to be nice to myself and be the positive person I want to be, but then there’s this little seed of bad infiltrating all the good with negativity and doubt and all things horrible. Like, come on brain – give me a break!

I’m not feeling as bad as I was in the summer, I’m really not. I’m just having a really bad few days – I know that. But then there’s that devil on my shoulder again, telling me it’s not just a bad few days, it’s going to be bad for a long time, blah blah blah. I’m not entirely sure where I’m going with this blog post, I just have had so many lovely people get in touch over the past few months since I shared how I’ve been feeling and I guess I wanted to be honest and fill you in on where I am at the moment.

I’m just not giving in to this negativity, I’ve come too far. Yesterday was my first appointment with a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist and I could tell within about 10 minutes that it was going to be for me. From first getting in touch to my first appointment, it was all arranged within 2 weeks’ so, if there’s anyone in the Glasgow area struggling with things, I really would recommend Glasgow Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (it’s just off Bath Street). I’’ll let you know how I get on, but so many people have advised me CBT is what I need so I’m really optimistic about it all.

I’ve also slowed down my return to work. I’m always so eager to get back into things and regain all the control I normally have, but this week has taught me to slow down a little more again. So, yes. There we go. I feel crap, but it’s okay. Sometimes we need to feel absolutely crap and let all the things we’re sad about come out. What we also need to do, though, is be ready to fight that stupid little devil of doubt and remember it’s all going to be okay. Now all I need is to learn how to take my own advice – why is that always the hardest bit?

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